


Street - SakuAka

by juicewho



Series: Writober 2020 Haikyuu!! [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Angst, Anticipation, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Insecurity, M/M, Masks, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Relationship, POV Outsider, POV Third Person, Panic, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Rain, Regret, Self-Hatred, Spring, Tears, Teen Angst, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, Uniforms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juicewho/pseuds/juicewho
Summary: "But Akaashi couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t keep letting himself stay aching, hoping for love that would never be reciprocated. This time, he had to be selfish."
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Writober 2020 Haikyuu!! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002090
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	Street - SakuAka

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a "right person wrong time" type of story. There wasn't a tag for it, so I'm writing it here!
> 
> Please enjoy!

Akaashi rolled over in bed, sleep refusing to come to him. His mind was racing with thoughts and memories, which would be painful to forget. He curled into a ball and hugged himself, feeling the goosebumps that had formed on his skin as silent tears rolled sideways down his face, wetting the pillow. His room was still, the soundlessness filled the air, suffocating him. 

_Come back_. He reached out, grasping for something, anything. _Please._

Earlier that day, as soon as the final school bell had rung, Akaashi’s legs carried him quickly to the park where he and Sakusa had agreed to meet. The volleyball season had just ended, and he hadn't seen his boyfriend in what seemed like forever. The weather was unusually cold for late spring, the wind had a bite similar to winter. 

Newly bloomed flowers had begun to shrivel with dryness and cold, the green of the grass fading to a lifeless yellow. The sun couldn’t be seen behind layers of grayish clouds, neither bright nor dark, but somewhere in between. It had been like this for days, the skies waiting stubbornly, refusing to break with much needed rain. 

Perspiration built up on his forehead as he moved quicker with anticipation. His heart was pounding out of his chest as he ran past people walking on the street, the buildings and trees lining the sides of the roads passed by in a blur. His arms, longing to hold someone, brushed at his sides, his eyes widened eagerly as he edged on and on; he felt that, even with his burning lungs, he wasn’t fast enough. 

At the same time, Sakusa’s lips hinted at a secret smile under the layer of cloth that concealed his face at the thought of seeing Akaashi. He stuffed his hand into the pockets of his jacket, walking briskly to the bus station, glancing at the people gathered there. Normally, he would never use public transportation, but he wanted badly to be on time for their date. 

He couldn’t wait to see those short, dark locks, which always seemed to glow under the sun. Akaashi’s slender eyes, with beautiful sea-blue irises which were always swimming with mysteries, would trap his gaze every time he would look at him. He wanted to know more.

As soon as he boarded and paid, the walls immediately seemed to be closing in on him. He could feel the people around him. They were close. Too close. He could feel their breath leave their uncovered mouths and float into the air, and he choked as his mind delved deeper into panic. They were breathing down his neck, the germs filling his lungs, his blood, his thoughts. His skin crawled, feeling dirty and disgusting. He felt his stomach twist with nausea. 

As the bus stopped, he stumbled out, clutching his chest. The air felt so good, brushing over his flushed face, and he breathed desperately. He sat down on a nearby bench, resting his elbows on his knees; dropped his head so that his chin was touching his chest. The world was spinning, his vision went blotchy and grey. Sakusa felt his eyelids drooping closed. 

“Sakusa?” a concerned voice rang out. As he started to regain control over his body, he lifted his head. Akaashi was standing above him, a concerned expression flitting across his features. “Are you okay?” Akaashi moved to sit down next to him, rubbing his back gently. “What happened?” he asked, troubled. He’d never seen Sakusa so bothered by anything before, and wanted to pull him into his arms.

As Akaashi moved to do so, Sakusa flinched. Sakusa thought about the sweat dripping on Akaashi’s forehead, the bacteria that must be on his hands, now roaming about on his clothes, and roughly shoved his hand away. 

_I’m sorry._ He glanced at Akaashi’s surprised face. _I didn’t mean to. I’m just a little shaken._ Sakusa looked guiltily at his legs, which still felt wobbly. Akaashi quickly withdrew his hand, and despite his mysophobia, Sakusa wanted him to put it back.

_Did I do something wrong?_ Akaashi thought to himself. He felt a pang in his chest. 

Sakusa rushed to stand up, swaying slightly, and backed up a few steps. He was still disoriented. Ashamed at his reaction, he looked away, wishing he could redo it. Sakusa wanted to collect himself before speaking again, otherwise he would only make things worse. 

Akaashi studied Sakusa’s face, scanning his features, but felt a wall blocking him. He could see only the top half of his face, his olive-toned skin smooth against his forehead, which was dotted with two small moles above his right eyebrow. 

His dark eyes seemed expressionless as always, and Akaashi couldn’t help the feeling of hopelessness that washed over him. It had been a month since they had started dating, and yet Sakusa hadn’t opened up to him, no matter how hard he tried. 

Sakusa inhaled sharply, trying to regain his dignity. “Let’s get going, yeah?” 

Akaashi nodded meekly, trailing behind him as he walked. He looked at Sakusa’s broad back, which seemed all too familiar. The jacket was stretched across his shoulders; the muscles he’d developed through years of training created creases near the seams. He’d memorized every inch of that back. Akaashi was always walking behind him, following, but never at his side. Sakusa maintained his distance, feeling safe with a bubble of air around him, unconscious of his boyfriend, who was sniffling lightly behind him. 

“How was your day?” Sakusa eventually asked, wanting to break the awkward silence between them. He’d wanted to get closer to Akaashi, but every time he tried, he’d stopped in a moment of hesitation. Akaashi felt hope build inside him at the question. Sakusa rarely asked him first. 

“I-It was pretty good, I think,” Akaashi stuttered out, cringing at how weak his voice sounded. He paused for a second and blushed. “It’s better now that you’re here, though.” 

Sakusa’s cheeks flamed. He was sure that if he looked at himself in the mirror, his face would be bright red. He glanced down at his feet, lips pressing into a thin line, trying to stop the grin that found its way to his face. He kept walking, not wanting Akaashi to see the effect his words had on him, clearing his throat.

Akaashi waited for Sakusa’s response, but none came. His throat tightened. He’d never been good at expressing his emotions, especially about other people, and here he was, opening up, yet his boyfriend didn’t seem to notice. 

_It’s okay._ Akaashi thought. _Maybe he’s just tired._

They kept walking in silence, like a boy and his younger brother following, rather than a couple. Akaashi grew conscious of the stares from people walking around them. 

_Please turn around._ He begged silently. _Are we just going to walk this whole time?_

He felt hot embarrassment coursing through his veins. _Say something._ Akaashi couldn’t help hunching his shoulders, trying to shrivel up and go unnoticed. He felt his shoelace coming untied, but didn’t bend down to fix it. The plastic aglets, worn out with age, slapped against the ground, and he waited to trip. This was humiliating.

“Sakusa,” Akaashi blurted out. He stopped in his tracks, waiting for his boyfriend to turn around. When he did, Akaashi looked frantically around him, unsure of what to say. “Do—” he began, his voice still meek. He took a deep breath. “—Do you want to sit over there?” He pointed to the swing set on an empty playground. “We don’t have to do anything. I just want to talk to you.”

Sakusa’s heart warmed. He’d been working up the courage to ask Akaashi for a while, but the longer he waited, the more nervous he became, so he was grateful that Akaashi had asked for him. 

“Sure,” he said simply, trying to sound as casual as possible. His heart was racing, looking at Akaashi’s beautiful face, his lean body, clothed in a gray uniform that fit him perfectly. 

The striped blue tie that hung around his neck was loosened, the top buttons of his shirt unfastened. He looked gorgeous and devilishly handsome all at once. 

Sakusa hopelessly longed to hold him, kiss him, like other boyfriends would, but his mind would freeze up every time he wanted to. He hated himself for it. 

Akaashi gazed into Sakusa’s eyes. He wished that he could see the rest of his face hidden under the mask, but all he could do was search for some reaction to the words. 

_Nothing_. 

He stepped closer to Sakusa, reaching for his hand, and intertwining their fingers. He tried to ignore the tears that sprung up when he felt Sakusa’s hand pulling away. He clasped it tighter. 

Akaashi freed Sakusa’s fingers as he sat down on the swing. He seemed a little too quick to withdraw his arm. The rusty chains creaked as Akaashi backed up and began to swing his legs. He watched as Sakusa slowly lowered himself onto the seat, sitting there awkwardly.

Sakusa’s mind was flooded with thoughts. The rust on the swing set was too apparent, crusting a reddish brown on the old chains that supported his weight. He pulled his shoulders in, trying not to touch the metal on either side of him, and he could only think about how many people had sat where he was. 

Sick, dirty people. And now he was touching the filth that they left behind. His jaw felt locked up, and he wouldn’t dare try to speak, because he knew that no sound would come out.

Akaashi stole glances at Sakusa, who felt even less present than before. He was afraid to ask, to pry for answers. Akaashi had known Sakusa was somewhat introverted, like him, from the the start of their relationship as friends. He didn’t want to push the trust they’d built, so he stayed quiet.

_Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,_ he thought. He kept swinging, the groaning of the old metal under him pierced the tense silence between them. Countless times, he opened his mouth, wanting, needing to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. 

Racking his brain, Akaashi recalled that Sakusa’s cousin, whom he had briefly met at Itachiyama when he’d gone to visit his boyfriend shortly after they’d begun dating, often referred to Sakusa as “Omi.” Calling him “Sakusa” was far too formal. 

_We’re a couple,_ Akaashi reasoned. _We should at least call each other by our first names. Omi is a cute nickname, too._ He smiled to himself, gathering his composure before leaning over to tap Sakusa’s arm. 

“O-Omi.” Akaashi said his name so quietly, so sweetly. Sakusa’s mind stopped racing at Akaashi’s voice, which sounded like a siren’s music, capturing him. 

_God— you sound amazing, you’re so amazing. But my family calls me Omi, and I want you to be more than just my family,_ Sakusa thought to himself as he turned his head to look at Akaashi. 

“Don’t call me that,” was what came out instead. Sakusa’s voice sounded aggressive, stiff, even to himself. His eyes widened, desperately wanting to correct himself, but his lungs wouldn’t push out the air, his tongue felt heavy.

Akaashi felt tears well up in his eyes, and his vision went blurry. He stood up abruptly, looking away. Letting Sakusa see him like this would be shameful.

Sakusa found himself reaching out, his arm extending after Akaashi’s frame, which was walking away from him. _Don’t go._

“Actually, I think I’m just going to head home,” Akaashi choked out, letting a few stray tears run down his cheeks. He was still turned away. Sakusa withdrew his hand, dropping it on his lap, clenched it tightly. “Sorry for cutting our date short.”

Sakusa’s eyes looked to Akaashi, whose figure was retreating. He gritted his teeth, internally scolding himself. He wanted to scream, to cry, to punch something, anything. But it felt like his limbs were ships weighed down by anchors made of heavy iron.

“At least let me walk you there,” he said. His voice cracked slightly, but he didn’t care. It was his fault that Akaashi wasn’t comfortable around him. Self-degrading words flooded Sakusa’s brain. _His fault._ His fault that he couldn’t suppress his _stupid_ fear of _germs_ , of all things. His fault that he couldn’t open up. Pathetic. 

The walk back to Akaashi’s house was gloomy. Akaashi wished Sakusa hadn’t insisted on following him; it was like rubbing-alcohol being poured into his wounds. He shivered, his school blazer did nothing to shield him from the wind as it passed through his clothes and chilled him to the bone. His tears had dried, their paths stopping halfway down his cheeks, which stung with irritation at the salty droplets. 

He’d lost his bounding enthusiasm from earlier, feeling tired. Tired of all of this. The street was empty as they approached Akaashi’s front door. A crumpled napkin blew in front of his feet, carried on a gale, and Akaashi’s hair blew in front of his face, shielding his eyes as he turned around. 

Sakusa moved towards him, swallowing his fear, and wrapped his arms around Akaashi’s trembling body. 

_I wish I could’ve done things differently today. I just need another chance._

His hands were shaking, thoughts from his phobia overwhelming him. The dirt, the sweat, everything was uncomfortably close, but he refused to let go. He wanted this to work so badly, and it took every last bit of resolve to keep holding on. His breathing became ragged, his fingers turning cold and stiff. 

“Don’t.” Akaashi’s voice was calm and firm. He didn’t move, just stood there. Sakusa waited, one second passed, two, three. Nothing. Then Sakusa felt hands on his chest, gently pushing him away. He felt his heart drop. _Why?_

“Sakusa,” he began, laughing lightly, unsung pain shining in his eyes. “You’ve been shutting me out all day. _I’m not blind_. I feel like you’re disgusted by me.”

_No. I’m not disgusted by you. You make me better._ Sakusa couldn’t force the words out of his mouth. He shook his head. _That’s not true._

“You didn’t want me to comfort you when you were sitting on that bench in the park with whatever that was bothering you. I felt you pull away when I held your hand. You didn’t want me to call you by your first name. You can’t even hug me without shaking. Are you that repulsed by me?” Akaashi continued, agitation leaking into his voice.

_No. Please don’t say it._ Sakusa’s eyes widened with a different fear. As he drew back, his hands fisted and unfisted, a nervous reaction. Akaashi’s chest expanded and fell as he inhaled and sighed deeply.

“I think we need a break.” He said it assuredly, without hesitation. Sakusa felt the air rush out of him, a painful breath he’d been holding in his lungs came out in one. It hurt. His stomach, his chest, his head all ached, and his legs felt weak again. 

_Every time_. Every relationship he’d been in always ended like this. Alone. Because he pushed everyone away. 

Akaashi searched for a reaction, and at long last he saw. He stared into Sakusa’s eyes, those gleaming windows were no longer blocked by blinds of moderation and filled up to their brims with waterfalls threatening to spill. 

But Akaashi couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t keep letting himself stay aching, hoping for love that would never be reciprocated. This time, he had to be selfish.

A silent understanding dawned on Sakusa as he nodded his head, defeated. The pain in his chest didn’t fade as he bowed his head and took his first, slow step. 

_I don’t want to leave you. I’ll work on it, be better for you._ Sakusa allowed his tears to fall. He waited for Akaashi to call out, longing to hear that beautiful voice again, even just once more. _Say something. Anything. And I’ll stay._

Akaashi stood silently, wrapping his arms around himself. His chin quivered, and he fought to keep himself from crumpling down. 

_Don’t go,_ Akaashi wanted to say. His pride stopped him from doing so. He looked helplessly after Sakusa, whose shoulders were hunched, for once. _Don’t go._

And against the dark backdrop of a cloudy dusk, he watched his lover’s silhouette move gradually away from him, under the broken, flickering street lights. He blew out a breath, shut his eyes, tried to let go. 

The clouds finally burst, rain pelting down forcefully on the earth, thunder tearing through the rigid silence. The skies wept for him, and they were merciful. The downpour washed the dust and mud off of the sides of the buildings, away from the center of the street on which he remained, as if to cleanse the world of its pain; as if to give him a long-awaited fresh start.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Kudos and comments are welcome and appreciated :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Day 20 - Rum](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644825) by [Amuah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuah/pseuds/Amuah)




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